Oh my goodness I have a child that thinks any time he doesn’t get what he wants from another kid he needs to hurt them physically. Oh and please don’t think I’m letting him get away with this but my goodness where does that temper come from??? When he was in school he asked a student to see his paper and when the kid said no he scratched him with a pair of scissors. When he gets in trouble if we send him to his room he throws a tantrum and will attempt to destroy the room. I’m being patient and talking to him and making him understand that that’s not acceptable behavior but in the mean time it’s almost scary that he may really hurt someone. If he keeps it up I think Ritalin is going to be in his future. 😉
Young people, you may sometimes feel as though your parents do not understand you. Neither did Jesus’ parents understand him. In fact, the verse before (50) specifically mentions “they did not understand” what Jesus was saying to them.
You may sometimes have difficulty overlooking your parents’ flaws. But imagine what it was like for Jesus, who was absolutely perfect, to have parents who were both sinners! Every day would be an occasion for offense and fault-finding, if Jesus had wanted to criticize His parents.
But here is this remarkable statement about Jesus: “He was subject to his parents.” Regardless of their failures, regardless of their inability to fully understand him, Jesus obeyed and honored his parents!
What about you? Are you listening to your friends, or are you looking at Jesus? Are you following the crowd, or are you respecting your parents?
If Jesus voluntarily submitted himself to the leadership of his flawed and sinful parents, what possible excuse could you give for disregarding your own parents? If Jesus could overlook his parents faults, when he had none himself, how much more should you be able to forgive and look over your parents’ failings, knowing that you too are a sinner.
Nursing resentments toward a parent does more than keep that parent in the doghouse. We get stuck there, too, forever the child, the victim, the have-not in the realm of love. Strange as it may seem, a grudge is a kind of clinging, a way of not separating, and when we hold a grudge against a parent, we are clinging not just to the parent, but more specifically to the bad part of the parent. It’s as if we don’t want to live our lives until we have this resolved and feel the security of their unconditional love. We do so for good reasons psychologically. But the result is just the opposite: We stay locked into the badness and we don’t grow up.
Develop realistic expectations.
The sins of parents are among the most difficult to forgive. We expect the world of them, and we do not wish to lower our expectations. Decade after decade, we hold out the hope, often unconsciously, that they will finally do right by us. We want them to own up to all their misdeeds, to apologize, to make heartfelt pleas for our forgiveness. We want our parents to embrace us, to tell us they know we were good children, to undo the favoritism they’ve shown to a brother or sister, to take back their hurtful criticisms, to give us their praise.
Hold on to the good.
Most parents love their children, with surprisingly few exceptions. But no parent is perfect—which means that everyone has childhood wounds. If we’re lucky, our parents were good enough for us to be able to hold on to the knowledge of their love for us and our love for them, even in the face of the things they did that hurt us.
Foster true separation.
To forgive is not to condone the bad things our parents have done. It’s not to deny their selfishness, their rejections, their meanness, their brutality, or any of the other misdeeds, character flaws, or limitations that may attach to them. It is important to separate from our parents—which is to stop seeing ourselves as children who depend on them for our emotional well-being, to stop being their victims, to recognize that we are adults with some capacity to shape our own lives and the responsibility to do so.
Let your parents back into your heart.
When we do that, we can begin to understand the circumstances and limitations they labored under, recognize the goodness in them that our pain has pushed aside, feel some compassion perhaps, not only for the hard journey they had but also for the pain we have caused them.
Commit to the journey.
Getting to a forgiving place, finding the forgiving self inside us, is a long and complicated journey. We have to be ready to forgive. We have to want to forgive. The deeper the wound, the more difficult the process—which makes forgiving parents especially hard. Along the way, we may have to express our protest, we may have to be angry and resentful, we may even have to punish our parents by holding a grudge. But when we get there, the forgiveness we achieve will be a forgiveness worth having.
From the May 2003 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
It’s hard not to be exasperated by a teenager and its hard not to exasperate a teenager. For those who think they know everything, it seems impossible to tell them anything. Yet, God gives parents teenagers so they can learn laughter, wisdom, forgiveness, trust and the grace of imposing guidelines. After all, the older a teenager becomes the less a parent can control them—and therefore, the more is the parent’s felt need to give their teenager’s accountability over to the Lord.
Indeed, tension arises in the transition from immaturity to maturity. It’s during this avalanche of emotions that someone has to act like the adult. The parent is positioned by the Lord to be the voice of reason, as the transitioning teenager has yet to qualify. So, persistent prayer, patience and pardon go a long way in promoting peace in the home.
“Joseph, a young man of seventeen, was tending the flocks with his brothers, the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, his father’s wives, and he brought their father a bad report about them. Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made an ornate robe for him.” Genesis 37:2-3
Fathers these passionate pre-adults need your firm and loving leadership as they learn how to manage their freedoms. Mom is the gentle nurturer when they are in grade school, but as they acquire acne you protect your wife from being taken advantage of with your wise and caring leadership. Most of all, remember to be intentional in your relational investment with your young person, as rules without relationship leads to rebellion.
Do you feel taken advantage of, lied to and manipulated? If so, welcome to the world of hormones hijacking the heart of some self absorbed teens. On the other hand, thank the Lord for those young people who, because of God’s grace, have grown in character and their care for others. Make sure to give these models of faithfulness positive feedback. It’s easy to only give attention to the troublemakers and take for granted the good kids.
Above all else, pray together as husband and wife for your teenagers to fear God, love Him and obey Christ’s commands. Ask the Lord to fill you with the Holy Spirit, so you can model for them what it means to be a loving disciple of Jesus. Confess your faults to the Lord and your child—and ask for their forgiveness. Teenagers trust transparency. Train and instruct them in worship, Bible study, service, faith, love and grace based living.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral!
Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today…….
PLEASE do not let this be your story or any of your loved ones. If it’s your story, know that you are not alone and there is help out there, you just have to reach out. If this is the story of someone you know, don’t sit back and feel like it’s not your business because one day you could be bringing them flowers…to their funeral. Make the call for them, pull them away, call the police on their behalf when you know what’s going on. They will pick up the abuser and the state will press charges.
To the one being abused, I understand it’s not easy and it a scary situation but don’t make excuses for the abuser (man/woman). Get OUT!!! Find your strength in God and He will make a way for you. God did not intend for us to suffer. We all make mistakes choosing the wrong mate so don’t be too ashamed to admit you need out. God is a forgiving God and will show you the path to get out and allow you that open door if you simply call to Him.
Jesus is waiting for you. He wants to comfort you and be your healer. Read these words from the Word of God that describe Him in Isaiah 61:1-2 , “The Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom to the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners.”
You wonder if He can be trusted? The answer is found in Romans 8:32 , “He who did not spare His own son but gave him up for us all—how will He not also graciously give us all things.” Later in that chapter it says, “Nothing can ever separate us from His love.”
Yes, you can trust this one who loved you enough to die for you. He’s been waiting for you to turn your life over to Him so He can start the healing process that only He can bring. First you have to tell Him that you’re putting your total trust in Him to be your Savior. That word “trust” is a hard one after what you’ve been through, but you can’t just go on hurting, hiding, and feeling alone. You are not alone. Reach out to someone. I know it’s scary but there is help out there. Trust God and reach out before it’s too late!!
Domestic Violence Hotlines:
(816)461-4673(HOPE), Hope House or (816) HOTLINE, Kansas City Metro; The hotline provides 24-hour crisis intervention and support. Also, the hotline is the appropriate way to make a referral to Hope House or to request a HAP (Healthcare Advocacy Program) advocate meet with a victim at an area hospital.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224
Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, call your local hotline, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Written by Jack A. Daniels, Entrepreneur, Author & Counselor
So I’m sitting on the sideline stretching before my next pickup game of basketball when I get the casual handshake and what’s up from a friend of a friend. I didn’t really know this cat, but he knew who I was and what services I provided. He nervously tried to make small talk before getting to his real questions. He began telling me while shaking his head and laughing nervously, “So my boy told me he went through this program you have that he claimed saved his life.” “If exploring and expressing what he was going through at the time saved his life, I guess you can say that.” We then commented on someone who just got it handed to them on the court which was followed by 2 minutes of silence. “So if someone is trying to get they life back on track, you saying this program be working?” I could see the pain in this brother’s eyes, but decided not to mention it. Instead I told him that, “Life happens and it’s sometimes good to be surrounded by other people who have experienced some things also.” It was game time. I won 2 and lost the 3rd. On my way out, that same brother stopped me, shook my hand and told me, “I don’t know if it would work for me, but I do know what I’m doing now ain’t really working.” “You think I can sign up?” I smiled, gave him the chest to shoulder hug and told him, “There’s always room for one more man.”
One of the hardest things for us as men to do is ask for help. I admire and respect every man who is bold enough to raise his hand to say, “I need help.” So many stereotypes and stigmatisms have been passed on throughout the years surrounding men and our ability to successfully seek help when we need it. Our ego, pride and programming typically get the best of us. We were taught as children how to suppress and hide our emotions versus expressing them. We were accustomed to phrases such as, “Stop cutting those eyes.” “You better get that look off your face” or the infamous, “You better dry up those tears before I give you something to really cry about!” What’s problematic is we heard statements like these immediately after being disciplined in some capacity. The reality is that a child has a right to be angry and hurt. If he were smiling about what just happened, I’d professionally suggest that he probably needs to be admitted to therapy! Being taught how to stifle our emotions systemically severs our connection to cognitively communicate what we’re truly feeling. Suppression versus expression then becomes the norm. Either way, we have a cycle of subscribing prescriptions of passive principles that prove to be problematic for our personalities and plights as men. Men have higher illnesses, higher levels of stress, anxiety, suicide rates and shorter life spans as a result of repressing, suppressing and not sharing our emotions effectively. We’re killing ourselves softly.
Sharing what’s on your mind or what you’re going through is important. Often times we think we’re the only ones going through some mess, but if you look around, you’ll find that the ledge you’re standing on is so crowded that it’s about to crack due to the abundance of folks who you never suspected to see standing next to you. As men we have to realize that we all go through similar situations, sentiments and circumstances. By sharing or expressing your story, you release the tension and pressure of feeling like you’re dealing with it alone; you’re not. Being vulnerable isn’t a bad thing. When emotions are not dealt with in healthy manners or are repressed, denied or discouraged, other unhealthy behaviors begin to manifest. Mismanaged feelings or emotions tend to lead to more severe behaviors such as substance abuse, addictions, compulsions or avoidance behaviors that drive us further away from dealing with our initial problem.
Fellas, women are often quick to say men don’t talk, don’t have feelings or don’t know how to express themselves. Those stereotypes have plagued our society for years. Fortunately, I beg to differ. In fact, men are extremely articulate when it comes to expressing themselves if they are provided the right opportunity, environment and platform. The good news is that it’s never too late to begin learning how to share and express yourself. Conquering the fear of swallowing your pride and telling your ego to beat it is easy if you remember that God speaks to you and through you. So holding in your feelings is only blocking the blessings you’re supposed to be expressing in hopes of helping yourself and possibly someone else. Real men have no issues with raising their hand and asking for help. If you’re struggling with something, be man enough to talk about it in some capacity. You never know how much sharing will benefit you until you try it. Who knows, expression versus suppression could save your life and the life of someone who just heard how hard you thought you had it.
“Keep the faith, keep making it happen and remember to stay out of your own way!”
Jack A. Daniels, Entrepreneur, Author & Counselor
Do you recall making a statement like that about a little one in your life? They are like little Parakeets when they learn to speak.
Next they want to help with laundry, pump the gas, talk on the phone and do everything they see you do. It’s even more if they have older siblings because they really want to do everything they see them do.
I say all of this to remind you that children are watching, repeating and learning from everything you do. We as parents are the first teachers and leaders for our children so if you really love your children and want them to be their best in life it all starts at home! They need to see love, not abuse, healthy communication, not vicious arguments. Just be mindful of what you expose them to.